This is not a rant...well not really!

Okay...so one of the most important things I have learned  since going thru infertility is to be more aware of what I say and who I say it to. You know , like when you are trying to have a baby people are like..."Are yall ever going to have kids?"  or when people find out we have foster kids and an adopted child they say, "Do you have any of your own?" Well I adopted her, doesnt that make her my own???? Love the "Just relax! Then you will get prego." or "Just watch, you'll get prego after you adopt! It always happens that way."  Or.."So, who has the  problem, you or him?"   REALLY?????  To clarify, we both have the "problem", as we are married and share this journey together!! No matter how we relax or how many we adopt, pregnancy won't "just happen" for us, we are unable to get pregnant without treatment..period.  Sure we pray for miracles and I am sure for some people miracles happen naturally after years of trying but for us, our miracle or miracles will happen as a result of a successful treatment and there is nothing wrong with that, as I know and love many miracles conceived thru fertility procedures.
Now, I don't usually have pity parties for myself, as we've been going thru infertility for six years now, but it can be very challenging for me in particular to be in a room of women talking about pregnancy and how special it is...how it felt to feel the baby move, how hard it is to find cute maternity clothes, breast milk vs formula and of course vaginal vs csection? lol  As a nurse, I'm pretty helpful with some topics, but as an infertile woman, some topics are just void to me at this time, as I havent experienced it for myself. But , this is where faith comes in.....I can feel sad that I can't join in these conversations, feel angry that at age 34 I have yet to endure a successful pregnancy, but also feel joy, knowing that my God will provide the desires of our hearts, and yes, I and we feel so blessed to have our girls and to have loved and cared for so many babies, but of course the overwhelming desire to carry at least one successful pregnancy is prevalent in our minds and hearts....more in mine I would say, as a woman. 
The comments that are made around me are usually innocent, as noone really understands infertility unless they are , or have gone thru it but it's made me more aware of what I say to people....I dont ask if a couple is ever going to have kids and I don't say a child looks more like mom than dad or vice versa unless I know they didnt use fertility to get prego...as who knows if they used donor eggs, sperm or embryos?  With one simple comment to someone else, you can break their heart in a million pieces...thank God we can lean on Him and give him our hurts and desires.
Infertility is more prevalent nowadays....Rosie Pope on the reality show "Pregnant in Heels" has endured infertiliy and has been going thru IVF....the reality show "The Little Couple" are also going thru infertility and are going to be using a surrogate mom to carry their embryos.  There was a reality show awhile back that I watched," Quints by Surprise", awesome Christian family Ethan and Casey Jones, who used donor sperm and did IVF to produce quintuplets. And you can never forget "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" who did IUI's to conceive all of their kiddos due to infertility.  There are so many stories out there that aren't even spoke about that are enduring infertility...just makes you more cautious of what you say and how you say it. People ask me why I'm sharing our story....it's because I'm not ashamed of it. God has brought many so so so many blessings from infertility....I'll never be ashamed to share our story and yes, I have my husband's approval to do so...Matt is quiet in his struggle and no, he doesn't like talking about it, but he does realize that God has worked in this situation. If I can touch one person who needs it, be a support and inspiration as well, be used by God thru our journey, than we have succeeded.
Keep the faith!

MIA? I'm back!!!

Been away for awhile..guess life just got so crazy I neglected many things. Going to make this a quick update and will come back later on to go into more depth.

We adopted Elyssa Nov 2010..was one of the happiest days of my life, and Matt's as well. She is two now and will be three in Sept. Amazes me how fast she's grown and i've had to stop myself several times a day just to stare at her and enjoy the little lady she is becoming. I thank God every day for blessing us with Elyssa.

We received another foster baby last Sept and she was six months...we call her Emma. She had been VERY physically abused by her mom and had endured multiple skull fractures, hematomas in brain and had brain surgery....we call her a miracle baby as they said it is a miracle she is alive and doesnt show any developmental or physical delays or abnormalities. She just had her last cat scan and neuro appt at TX Children's and everything looked great!! We dont have to go back. Emma is one now, she turns two in March and she is just adorable...fits right in our family and we will be adopting her this November 18, 2011! Once again we feel so blessed to have her....and this picture above is Elyssa....I'm still trying to figure out how to post pics on here so bear with me!

We did our last insemination (IUI) last May 2010 and it resulted in a BFP..positive!! We have never been so happy!! Our first u/s at the doctor was around 4 weeks and we were excited...we saw the heartbeat around 6 weeks and I remember just looking at matt and saying "isn't that the coolest thing you've ever seen?" we both had tears in our eyes. We saw our perfect baby girl 3 times and then on 4th u/s there was no heartbeat...I knew as soon as the tech turned the screen away from me that our baby was gone...I was in so much pain and shock I remember I could hardly move and when Matt reached for my hand I couldnt even hold his hand. That was the worst day ever. I had a D&C a few days later and the fetus was tested...she was female and had what is called Turner Syndrome, a chromosomal problem that happens when sperm is joining the egg. Google it for more info lol. So we tried to pick ourselves back up and put ourselves back together...and keep our faith. That was in June/July and Emma came to us in Sept.....as i've said, God never does one thing without doing another...had I still been prego we would not have taken any foster babies at that time...He sent Emma to us for a reason.

Since then we have done a few more treatments that i dont feel like sharing at this point because they just arent pertinent and we are saving to do a better success rate procedure in the future...will keep u updated.

We also have a 2 month foster baby boy at this time who is just adorable...we got him when he was six days old. He will be leaving in a few weeks as he is going to be adopted with his one year old sister and we are unable to adopt two right now. We will miss him, I have grown very very attached to this one.

Time to feed the children...will update again soon. Thanks for reading, if anyone did.

Keep the faith.

blessings

ah well, it's been awhile since i blogged...actually, today I plan to start a journal for our foster baby, Elyssa....her name was Merissa, but we are changing her name since we are going to adopt...we have E names already picked out for our future children, so i didn't want her to feel left out. The names we have picked out are... Emily Rae (and the spelling could change to Emilee or something similar) Rae was my mom's middle name...Eryn Ree, Ree is matt's mom's middle name, Elsie Elizabeth (elizabeth is matt's sis's middle name and elsie was my grandma's name), Evan Matthew,(matthew is my hubby's name), and Ethan William( william is both my dad's name and matt's dad's name)...elyssa's middle name is Marie...we aren't going to change it because that is matt's grandma's name...lol...so, if God blesses us with more babies, their names are ready! With fertility procedures, you never know what will happen! We would like to do our second IUI in October, but we are waiting to hear when we will adopt Elyssa. Sept 15 we have a court hearing to set the date to terminate the parents rights (yay!) that should happen quickly, then it gets turned to the adoption department and they set the date for adoption. We are super excited and super thankful for the opportunity to adopt. We NEVER thought that we'd be able to adopt our first foster baby! I thank God every day for this blessing. I was thinking of His blessings the other day...we did our IUI in march and found out it didn't work around march 13th...the same day we got a placement call for a newborn boy, that we decided not to take because we were leaving on a much needed vacation the next week, and with CPS, you have to get approval from judge before taking foster baby on vacation, anyway so we refused placement, went on vacation for 5 days and the following monday we got the placement call for Elyssa. I had called my placement worker the previous week and she got my message early monday a.m....i was asking if there were any placements because we were getting anxious for a baby and upset from the negative IUI...so when she heard about a babygirl placement in Lufkin on the same day, she thought of us. If our IUI had been positive, i never would have placed that call to her, and i feel we never would have been placed with Elyssa. It's AWESOME how God works!! I can't imagine life without her....she makes the infertility bearable now. Don't get me wrong, we still want (badly) children of our own..or just for me to be able to get pregnant, but we are thankful for God's mercy in providing for our needs and desires. Infertility is a big part of our lives...it plays a role in everything that we do....matt's sis and her hubby are going thru IF, and matt's cousin had twins thru IVF, and she was never to have children, as she was born without ovaries. But God works for the good of those who love Him and i know He will bless me with a pregnancy in His time. I'm at peace with that. Finally. Our fost/adopt experience has blessed not only us, but our entire family and many friends too.....we have a couple that we are very close to and i've known for many years...they have tried getting prego for about a year and just haven't been able to, and because of us, they start their PRIDE classes tonite so they can become foster parents! I am so happy for them! I know God will bless their lives with both foster babies and biological babies...but He needs special parents for special children that don't have anyone to love them. This is the way He works....denying one need to fulfill another. It brings tears to my eyes. I told my good friend just yesterday....don't worry bout the storm, learn to dance in the rain....because some of the worst storms bring out the most beautiful rainbows. A few days before Elyssa came to us we had a big storm and after the storm a HUGE rainbow was literally going across our 4 acres.....the whole rainbow! it was so beautiful and looking back, i think was a sign from God....one of those "Godwinks" if you've read the books. So, that's my story for now...oh and i'm staying home right now, studying medical transcription so i can eventually work from home...money is tight and i may have to go to the hospital or something a few nights a week later on to help with the finances, but we are ok right now. i know God will provide, and worrying won't change anything...He takes care of His own.
bye for now and have a blessed day!
Lori

our new addition.....

YES!! we do have a new addition! A 6 month old baby girl named Merissa from foster care! We got "the call" monday, march 30 while I was at work. My foster/adopt worker asked me if i'd be interested in a legal risk 6 month old healthy baby girl and i said yes, but had to make sure Matt agreed, and he said yes! She was brought to us from Lufkin that night around 8pm. Legal risk means that she will most likely be adoptable....her parents rights will probably be terminated. Mom has had 7 removed and adopted out..merissa is number 8. So far, everything is working out great...mom didn't show up for court, they don't know who dad is and family wants us to adopt, so if things stay this way, we should be able to adopt in about 6 months!! We received her about a week after coming home from vacation! I couldn't believe how GORGEOUS she is! When they brought her in, i just couldn't stop staring at her. I can't post pics yet (foster care rules) not until adoption, but she really is beautiful....dark brown curly hair, and alot of it, and light blue BIG eyes....she has hispanic and caucasian and she is just so pretty.....everywhere we go, people stop and stare at her and have to look closer!! I feel proud, though God knows i didn't create her. Many people say...that mom needs to be "fixed" so she can't keep having babies and not taking care of them....part of me agrees, but the other part, the largest part, the part of me trying to make people understand that God's ways are way bigger than any plans we may have, says that if she had been "fixed" after losing baby #1, we would not have Merissa today....and she is truly a blessing....plus, the others that were adopted probably made a huge difference in the lives of whoever adopted them. We are still going to continue fertility treatment, as i had ordered $400 worth of injectable meds last month, and we have one vial of donor sperm left, but i'm not quite ready to do it......i want God to tell me when to do it, as i want this next IUI to be "the one" and there is so much going on right now that i feel He wants me to wait. Merissa is a joy....she's so happy and only fusses when she's hungry,wet,dirty or tired.....she makes us very happy....we never thought the first foster baby we got would be adoptable, but we would be SO happy if that is in God's will. For anyone going thru infertility, I would recommend going thru fost/adopt thru CPS....not only are you helping out a defenseless child, you are getting your mind off of the struggles of infertility and onto helping and raising a child of God. Don't get me wrong, adopting thru foster care will NOT take the place of becoming pregnant and carrying for 9 months and having a child that's part of me, not in my eyes, but it is something to make u feel happy and so blessed. I feel that God is pleased we are doing this. I want to do it more. I think anyone would be GREAT at it...anyone who is a Christian and wanting to make a difference. Well, gotta go get the baby up and ready! i will be back soon!

ahhh patience please

so, beta bloodwork this a.m. was a BFN...big fat negative for those of u who don't speak IF..infertility. I was prepared, had done HPT's, home preg tests and they were negative...i surely did not feel prego. But we are okay. I have to wait a month, then start back in april, because my RE wants to try injectables next...higher success rate. They are overseas and take a couple of weeks to come in. So i'm on a break....vacation next week (so excited!) and we will try again in april.....i have a feeling that will be the one. I pray so. We did have good news today...CPS called and had a 4dayold baby boy placement...we declined because of the vacation and other factors. He would probably not have been permanent,meaning we prob. would not have been able to adopt, and we want to do that. I did pray about it, and told the CW (caseworker) that if she could find a temp placement, we would take him when we get back from vacation....but she ended up finding someone to keep him for whoever knows how long. This is okay for us....i would have to take a leave of absensce from my job when we get a placement, due to developing the bond and the routine, and this is a big deal for us....we know God will tell us when it's the right placement. But this was our first call since we got licensed in jan, and so we were excited! I felt like God sent me that call....which was within an hour of receiving the BFN Beta test results...i felt like He said..'don't worry...see, i can send u all kinds of HOPE....chin up and keep moving forward!" He is so wonderful in helping me deal. I will spend this next month by preparing my body better for pregnancy...and also prepare my heart. We definitely need to spend some time in church...we haven't joined one yet here. Please pray God leads us to the right one. We kinda feel like the "only older couple with no kids", and this is stressful for us....we want to go there to worship and be obedient to God, not to feel....like the third wheel or left behind. The first thoughts i had after my negative test result was from the show "Facing the Giants"...PRAISE HIM WHEN YOU WIN...PRAISE HIM WHEN YOU LOSE....i thanked him immediately for even giving me the opportunity to TRY to become prego...some can't. He is great and i know we will be blessed.....maybe more than we know. And at this time, i am just looking forward to vacation with my loving hubby next week...a time to re connect and NOT think about IF every second.
God Bless!

I am in the 2 week wait!!!

yes, we did our IUI yesterday, and I am feeling VERY positive about it!! There were no problems, and it went well. The sperm count was 51million which is great with motility of 70% which is also great. I had 3 follicles on tuesday, one on left measuring 20.4mm, two on the right measuring 15.6 and 11.8mm....because we had some trouble getting my prog.level up, we had a few days between that follie check and the IUI, so i'm curious as to how BIG those follies actually got!! Anyway, I'm still taking meds and tues i start progesterone supp. (fun) and i have bloodwork on the 9th(my bday) to check my prog level again, consult with doc on the 11th (the day before my anniversary) and beta (preg)test on the 17th.....i will prob POAS (pee on a stick) on the 12th if aunt flo hasn't shown up..which i pray she doesn't!!! I also have to take two more injections of HCG, which will help with implantation of the fetus, on the 6th and the 10th...this will give me a false positive when i POAS, so i will have to be careful with tesing. I will probably start testing the day after my last injection, the 11th, and test until i get a negative, then if i get a positive after that i know i'm prego. Ahhhhh, the fun life of infertility! lol My hubby is excited and he is so positive....for once...lol that sounds bad, but his condition, the Klinefelter's, causes some feelings of pessimism, so when he's more optimistic than me, LOOK OUT!!! We are praying alot more together lately, and I think God is really speaking to him. In fact, right before the insemination, matt grabbed my hand and said "let's pray one more time before the nurse comes back." It really touched my heart...of course he wants me to pray out loud...he rarely does, his faith is quiet, his relationship with his God is calm, private. I always pray that one day he will be more open about his relationship with God....at this point i am just happy he has one. So, that's what's going on with us!!
jen....side note to you...thanks for the encouragement and prayers!! we need all the prayers we can get!
till next time......

busy busy busy

well, first of all, sorry for the delay in blogging....Yes, I do have an excuse, I've been busy with fertility appointments and I had a tooth pulled (yuck) that has been infected and also ear infection to go along with it....it sucks that nurses seem to always stay sick, when I feel like I take care of myself...anyway, tomorrow I go to my fertility doc to get an u/s done to check my follicle size...see if the eggs are getting ready to hatch...lol. I took Clomid for 5 days, and if my follies look great tomorrow we will be doing IUI on wed or thurs. This will be our first, and hopefully our last. We have to do fertility treatments because my sweet hubby was diagnosed with a genetic condition called Klinefelter's which can cause infertility...he has low sperm count among other things. Anyway, We have been trying to get prego for four years, we started as soon as we got married...after a year I knew something was wrong, and I went to a specialist. After alot of testing on both of us, they found the problem. People ask me if I feel....upset because my husband makes conceiving hard on us......it's not my hubby's problem,it's OUR problem together...he does not hold all the burden. We understand that God guides Christians thru certain challenges, obstacles, to test our faith.....this has certainly brought us closer together..and closer to HIM. I could not ask for a better hubby....he is compassionate, kind, sensitive, loving, and so good to me. He loves the Lord and that is the best thing! We have been married for four yrs...well , it'll be four on march 12th, and we have been together almost nine yrs. I know that no matter how/when/where we get children...he will be an awesome dad. I know that God will take care of us. So, say an extra prayer for us, that the IUI will work. I know it is heartbreaking for tests/procedures not to work, we've already been thru other tests/surgeries, etc, that did not produce the results we wanted, but it helps to know that God is in control. I have FAITH that He is doing what's best for us.
I will write more soon.
have a blessed, not stressed week!